Some one asked me what to do when your child's coach is a bully. My oldest daughter plays on a competitive soccer team. She has come home numerous times upset that her trainer (not her coach) yells at her constantly during practice. Out on the field on game day, you can hear abusive coaches yelling at their players. Unfortunately, some of them even cuss at their players.
There are a couple of things you can do. First, you can talk to the coach or trainer about their inappropriate and aggressive behavior. Coaches can be very competitive and they may not even realize how badly they are behaving and what a poor example they are setting for the children they coach. If that does not work, contact your league. Your league, no matter what the sport, will not tolerate such behavior from trainers and coaches.
If all else fails and this is a real issue for you and your child, it is up to you as the parent to say enough is enough. Nobody bullies my kid. Be prepared to pull your child off the team. He or she may miss out on a part of the season, but the new season is just around the corner. There are lots of other sports going on as well. Bottom line, you have to do what is best for your child. Good luck!
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Betrayed By The Vice Principal Part II
I was nervous as I approached Connie's front door given the aggressive approach by the Vice Principal, even though he clearly was on her side. The door opened and I was lovingly greeted by a very, happy dog. Connie was kind and invited me inside. Once I was able to navigate my way past the jumping dog, we sat in her living room. I began by apologizing for the Vice Principal's involvement and assured her that it never should have happened.
As soon as I brought up the fact that 3 different girls had approached my daughter saying that Jen had a problem with her, she became immediately defensive. Connie told me point blank that "PARENTS SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED." I could not believe my ears! I could not have this discussion without at least making mention of her daughter's bullying the previous year that did not stop until I got involved. Even then, the bullying did not stop for about a week. It only stopped when the 5th grade teacher threatened Jen and her friend with suspension.
Then, Connie said, "Did the apology mean nothing?" I responded that while I appreciated the apology, the words "We didn't mean to hurt you" weren't true. The bullying persisted for months and yes, the girls did intend to hurt my daughter. Just as Jen's continued caddy remarks during the summer were intended to hurt my child.
I've heard other parents of bullies say this before. So, I was not surprised to hear her say, "So, what do you want to do?" I asked if she was open to getting the girls together in a neutral place to clear the air. Still clearly in denial, Connie did not appear thrilled at the idea of a meeting, but agreed to meet at the park down the street. On my way out, she invited my husband and I to a costume party she was having that night. I thanked her for listening and for her invitation.
Once again on my way to my friend's party, I knew that given Connie's demeanor, she would probably back out of the meeting in the park. Sure enough, the day of the meeting the phone rang. It was Jen calling for Hally. Hal hung up the phone and went running through the house shouting that she was looking for her shoes. My husband and I were struck by her excitement to meet Jen half way down the court. Off she went. It was one of the longest hours I have ever spent. I knew Hal wanted to handle it on her own. My husband and I thought how odd it was that Connie didn't call me to ask if the girls could meet down the street. Why couldn't she call? It was clearly Connie's way of cutting me out of the picture. Remember, she doesn't believe that parents should get involved in their kids' issues.
This is exactly what is wrong in this country! Parents do not understand the nature of bullying. Bullying is about an IMBALANCE OF POWER! The bully bullies and the victim cowers. There is no level playing field! It is up to parents to level the playing field, help children talk through their conflicts, and most importantly, achieve reconciliation. Without parent involvement and reconciliation, there is no end to bullying. We have to do better!
As soon as I brought up the fact that 3 different girls had approached my daughter saying that Jen had a problem with her, she became immediately defensive. Connie told me point blank that "PARENTS SHOULDN'T GET INVOLVED." I could not believe my ears! I could not have this discussion without at least making mention of her daughter's bullying the previous year that did not stop until I got involved. Even then, the bullying did not stop for about a week. It only stopped when the 5th grade teacher threatened Jen and her friend with suspension.
Then, Connie said, "Did the apology mean nothing?" I responded that while I appreciated the apology, the words "We didn't mean to hurt you" weren't true. The bullying persisted for months and yes, the girls did intend to hurt my daughter. Just as Jen's continued caddy remarks during the summer were intended to hurt my child.
I've heard other parents of bullies say this before. So, I was not surprised to hear her say, "So, what do you want to do?" I asked if she was open to getting the girls together in a neutral place to clear the air. Still clearly in denial, Connie did not appear thrilled at the idea of a meeting, but agreed to meet at the park down the street. On my way out, she invited my husband and I to a costume party she was having that night. I thanked her for listening and for her invitation.
Once again on my way to my friend's party, I knew that given Connie's demeanor, she would probably back out of the meeting in the park. Sure enough, the day of the meeting the phone rang. It was Jen calling for Hally. Hal hung up the phone and went running through the house shouting that she was looking for her shoes. My husband and I were struck by her excitement to meet Jen half way down the court. Off she went. It was one of the longest hours I have ever spent. I knew Hal wanted to handle it on her own. My husband and I thought how odd it was that Connie didn't call me to ask if the girls could meet down the street. Why couldn't she call? It was clearly Connie's way of cutting me out of the picture. Remember, she doesn't believe that parents should get involved in their kids' issues.
This is exactly what is wrong in this country! Parents do not understand the nature of bullying. Bullying is about an IMBALANCE OF POWER! The bully bullies and the victim cowers. There is no level playing field! It is up to parents to level the playing field, help children talk through their conflicts, and most importantly, achieve reconciliation. Without parent involvement and reconciliation, there is no end to bullying. We have to do better!
Betrayed By The Vice Principal Part I
A week ago my daughter Hally informed me that 3 different girls had come up to her and said that Jen, her old bully from 5th grade last year, had something against her. I was not naive enough to believe that Jen's bullying was over. There were no real consequences for her bullying in elementary school and now at a new school, she starts over with a clean slate, right?
So, after losing a few days of sleep, I decided to contact the school to get advice on what to do and to let them know about the situation. I was immediately put through to the Vice Principal. He refused to meet with me and insisted we discuss it over the phone before he made a dash to an appointment. Not impressed, I began to tell him what was happening. He spoke over me the entire time apparently trying to impress me with his 30 years of experience in these matters. He flat out refused to hear what I had to say stating that my daughter would have to go into his office and fill out a written statement. He said he would do nothing until he had a statement.
While I appreciate that this middle school clearly takes bullying seriously, I felt that filling out a statement was a bit harsh at this juncture. I told the vice principal that I intended to speak with Jen's mom, as we are neighbors. He then said, "Oh, you know Connie"(not her real name). Surprised to hear him call her by first name, I realized he knew her well. Did I mention that Jen's mom is a power mom?
As the Vice Principal would not listen to a word I had to say, he said he would call my daughter in the next morning. When I hung up, I was very uneasy with his plan. The next morning at 6:30 a.m. I left him a voicemail message to let him know that I did not want him to get involved and that I would handle it myself. I also sent him an email. As I hadn't said anything about it to Halle, I walked into the school office to tell him personally that I did not want his involvement. The secretary said that he was in a meeting with parents. Wow, this guy is busy with issues I thought to myself.
On the way home, I could see Jen's mom in her driveway on her cell phone having a heated discussion. I say heated because she threw her arms up in the air. When she saw me, she walked back into her house. I called the school a number of times and was told that the VP was still in a meeting with parents. I called Jen's mom's house several times and was told that she was not in. I finally got through to the VP. When I told him that I did not want him involved at this time, he said, "Oh, I just met with Jen's parents."
Stunned, I reminded him that he said that school policy was to do nothing until there is a written statement. He said that he decided to not follow his protocol this time and had a great conversation with the parents again citing his 30 years of experience. I was furious! I told him that I was concerned that his contact with them may have created a hostile situation. He denied it and said that the parents are willing to do whatever it takes to rectify things.
In utter disbelief, I called Jen's mom again. Again I was told that she was not home. A few minutes later, driving to a Pampered Chef's Party at a friend's house, I passed by Connie's house and saw her car in the driveway, so I turned around, parked, and knocked on the door. (To be continued)
So, after losing a few days of sleep, I decided to contact the school to get advice on what to do and to let them know about the situation. I was immediately put through to the Vice Principal. He refused to meet with me and insisted we discuss it over the phone before he made a dash to an appointment. Not impressed, I began to tell him what was happening. He spoke over me the entire time apparently trying to impress me with his 30 years of experience in these matters. He flat out refused to hear what I had to say stating that my daughter would have to go into his office and fill out a written statement. He said he would do nothing until he had a statement.
While I appreciate that this middle school clearly takes bullying seriously, I felt that filling out a statement was a bit harsh at this juncture. I told the vice principal that I intended to speak with Jen's mom, as we are neighbors. He then said, "Oh, you know Connie"(not her real name). Surprised to hear him call her by first name, I realized he knew her well. Did I mention that Jen's mom is a power mom?
As the Vice Principal would not listen to a word I had to say, he said he would call my daughter in the next morning. When I hung up, I was very uneasy with his plan. The next morning at 6:30 a.m. I left him a voicemail message to let him know that I did not want him to get involved and that I would handle it myself. I also sent him an email. As I hadn't said anything about it to Halle, I walked into the school office to tell him personally that I did not want his involvement. The secretary said that he was in a meeting with parents. Wow, this guy is busy with issues I thought to myself.
On the way home, I could see Jen's mom in her driveway on her cell phone having a heated discussion. I say heated because she threw her arms up in the air. When she saw me, she walked back into her house. I called the school a number of times and was told that the VP was still in a meeting with parents. I called Jen's mom's house several times and was told that she was not in. I finally got through to the VP. When I told him that I did not want him involved at this time, he said, "Oh, I just met with Jen's parents."
Stunned, I reminded him that he said that school policy was to do nothing until there is a written statement. He said that he decided to not follow his protocol this time and had a great conversation with the parents again citing his 30 years of experience. I was furious! I told him that I was concerned that his contact with them may have created a hostile situation. He denied it and said that the parents are willing to do whatever it takes to rectify things.
In utter disbelief, I called Jen's mom again. Again I was told that she was not home. A few minutes later, driving to a Pampered Chef's Party at a friend's house, I passed by Connie's house and saw her car in the driveway, so I turned around, parked, and knocked on the door. (To be continued)
Our Mess Becomes Our Message
I heard these words this morning and it struck a chord. It is true that our difficulties (our messes) impassion us to take action to fight what's wrong in this world be it bullying, selling sex to our children, breast cancer awareness, etc. In the end our mess becomes our message. I guess it is as it should be.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
1(886) SPEAK UP
I caught a glimpse of a TV ad at the end of the summer announcing a new national hotline:
1(886) SPEAK UP. This number is provided for students, teachers, and parents who hears anything suspicious regarding an individuals threats to hurt anyone at school.
I only saw this ad once, so it is clearly not being properly communicated to the public. I do hope that it will get more air time in the future. It could be key to stopping school shootings. Please keep this number in mind and pass it around.
1(886) SPEAK UP. This number is provided for students, teachers, and parents who hears anything suspicious regarding an individuals threats to hurt anyone at school.
I only saw this ad once, so it is clearly not being properly communicated to the public. I do hope that it will get more air time in the future. It could be key to stopping school shootings. Please keep this number in mind and pass it around.
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
Rumors: The Weapon of Choice
It is shocking what is going on in our elementary schools and junior high schools. Our children are in a total frenzy over RUMORS. They love ‘em! Girls and boys are all too eager to discover a child’s secret and spread it around the playground, especially if it divulges a child's crush. Often, it is to the detriment of the intended victim.
Rumors are the weapon of choice for bullies. They spread lies around school to destroy their victims. My own daughter has been the victim of rumors spread around her school by her bully. It is hard to prove who started the rumors and the bullies minions do not tell for fear of retaliation by the bully.
I have been wracking my brain for the past year for an answer to how to stop rumors. I have concluded that just as PARENTS are the answer to stopping the bullying, they are also the key to stopping RUMORS.
How do we stop the rumors? We simply communicate with our children. We ask them if they are hearing rumors at school. We discuss what they have heard. We ask our children if they have been targeted by rumors. If they have completed the third grade, they have most likely been the butt of some kind of rumor.
Lastly, we educate our children! We need to teach our children at home that spreading RUMORS is NOT OKAY! They need to be told that RUMORS are lies and not to be believed. They need to be told that some one spreads lies to hurt some one else and that it is bullying. If a RUMOR is about them, they need to go discuss it with their teacher. And teachers need to be open to receiving reports of RUMORS and handle them according to school policy and NOT treat the report as “tattling”. RUMORS are intended to hurt the target always.
I am so fed up with the rumors going around my kid’s junior high that I am going in to speak with the principal about it as soon as I can schedule an appointment with her. If you are aware of RUMORS going around your child’s school, I encourage you to do the same. PARENTS ARE THE ANSWER TO STOP BULLYING.
Rumors are the weapon of choice for bullies. They spread lies around school to destroy their victims. My own daughter has been the victim of rumors spread around her school by her bully. It is hard to prove who started the rumors and the bullies minions do not tell for fear of retaliation by the bully.
I have been wracking my brain for the past year for an answer to how to stop rumors. I have concluded that just as PARENTS are the answer to stopping the bullying, they are also the key to stopping RUMORS.
How do we stop the rumors? We simply communicate with our children. We ask them if they are hearing rumors at school. We discuss what they have heard. We ask our children if they have been targeted by rumors. If they have completed the third grade, they have most likely been the butt of some kind of rumor.
Lastly, we educate our children! We need to teach our children at home that spreading RUMORS is NOT OKAY! They need to be told that RUMORS are lies and not to be believed. They need to be told that some one spreads lies to hurt some one else and that it is bullying. If a RUMOR is about them, they need to go discuss it with their teacher. And teachers need to be open to receiving reports of RUMORS and handle them according to school policy and NOT treat the report as “tattling”. RUMORS are intended to hurt the target always.
I am so fed up with the rumors going around my kid’s junior high that I am going in to speak with the principal about it as soon as I can schedule an appointment with her. If you are aware of RUMORS going around your child’s school, I encourage you to do the same. PARENTS ARE THE ANSWER TO STOP BULLYING.
Sunday, October 19, 2008
Communication With Your Child Is Key
In a previous post about one woman's experience (Michelle) when she reported to another mom that her daughter had sent sexually explicit text messages to her 12 year old son, Michelle seemed rattled by the other mom's defensive tone and ultimate denial. I too was called a liar when I contacted my daughter's bully's mom. I know how shocking and insulting that felt.
Mark Consuelos, a panel member on Oprah, quickly pointed out how the fact that Michelle's son communicated with her was a great testiment to her parenting and that Michelle should be focused on that. I agree. She did what was best for her son. She did the right thing. Neither Michelle nor I could control the indignant reaction of the offending child's mother upon hearing unpleasant news about her child's behavior.
After reporting bullying of any kind, it is important to stay focused on what was right about the entire episode. In this case, Michelle can be proud that her son felt comfortable in confiding in her. Even more so in this day and age when peer pressure dictates that our children avoid communication with parents! Good job Michelle!
Mark Consuelos, a panel member on Oprah, quickly pointed out how the fact that Michelle's son communicated with her was a great testiment to her parenting and that Michelle should be focused on that. I agree. She did what was best for her son. She did the right thing. Neither Michelle nor I could control the indignant reaction of the offending child's mother upon hearing unpleasant news about her child's behavior.
After reporting bullying of any kind, it is important to stay focused on what was right about the entire episode. In this case, Michelle can be proud that her son felt comfortable in confiding in her. Even more so in this day and age when peer pressure dictates that our children avoid communication with parents! Good job Michelle!
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